Do you value compassion and still find yourself in a place of judgment and feeling like a victim or martyr? You’re not alone! Ironically, the path of compassion can lead to overwhelm if you are kind-hearted and not dialed in to a balanced way to embody it.
I’ve had the great privilege of working with some amazing teachers, such as Barbara Marx Hubbard, former vice presidential candidate who ran with the platform of creating a Peace Room/Peace Department that committed at least as many resources and commitment to peace as we do to war. I’ve also been able to learn from and even teach with Eileen Barker, who has won an international award (along with Arch Bishop Desmond Tutu and, posthumously, Nelson Mandela).
Where we get caught
What I have found in my deep dive into the realms of compassion is that, as an open hearted and genuinely loving and kind person, it can be easy to overlook and overstep our own personal boundaries in an attempt to care for someone else. We feel their suffering and want to help them through. Indeed, this is our calling, to help people. It is NOT our calling, however, to violate our own boundaries and needs.
You see, what I have found is that choosing to value someone else’s experience above my own perpetuates an inequality that is unsustainable and at some point, the deficit comes due. When I overstep my own boundaries, I’m trying to be a rescuer, but I am also being a perpetrator to myself and then resentful and burdened for the messiness and depletion I have allowed. When I’m in that place of depletion, my victim gets activated and I am now juggling all three qualities of the shadow trinity of compassion.
How to get OUT of the victim/rescuer/perpetrator cycle . . .
Tune into exactly what you need in that moment. Take full accountability for all of the decisions you have made in the past. Release, as quickly as you can, any guilt or shame you may be holding about not knowing and/or honoring your own personal needs. Focus on sharing your needs with others from a place of “From this point forward,” and not get sucked into “This is what you ‘made me do,’ and I’m not going to do that anymore.”
Work to release any need to justify or explain yourself, but hold open a door for deeper connection and sharing of context if others are interested in and open to getting a greater sense of my experience. Stand in your value and stay true to what feels good to you, knowing that you will only have yourself, as a sovereign being, to answer to for your decisions and the consequences that follow.
This practice has lead to quicker and quicker turnaround of unpleasant circumstances. There is no need to argue about who’s wrong and who’s right from a depleted, disconnected battleground.
Easier said than done!
The TRICKY part is being able to get to that place. The place of seeing and feeling and experiencing outside of the frame of the victim, the rescuer, or the perpetrator. One thing I’ve learned is that if I’m playing ANY of these three stories in my head, then I am feeding that story in my life and I am allowing it to happen and I should get really curious about what the more elevated response is. What does the healed version of the victim/rescuer/perpetrator trinity look like?
The Sovereign:ess. The Sovereign:ess doesn’t need to rescue anyone and doesn’t need rescuing because they are making decisions that create empowerment for everyone. There is no need or desire to dominate, rule over, win or “best” anyone. The Sovereign:ess isn’t getting caught up in comparisons because they are fully focused on living into their Noble Purpose and answering to that calling above all. The Sovereign:ess doesn’t play the victim story because they are seeing every choice as one they are accountable for. They don’t fall into shame or guilt when their decisions lead to pain or suffering. Instead, they see it all as helpful feedback for how to refine their approach next time.
From the lens of compassion, we can see that everyone who is playing any, some, or even all of these three shadow roles is merely stuck in a subconscious survival program. Survival programs are angles, manipulations, strategies, and game plans created to get what we want. Sovereign behavior tunes into what feels fully aligned with ones sense of integrity and Noble Purpose, and what feels aligned gets the attention. What does not feel aligned does not get the attention.
It becomes very simple. Not necessarily easy, but simple.
Resources to support your Sacred Rebel journey . . .
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