Because of the work I do, my close relationships tend to go through lots of transformations. In unconscious relationships, this means that old thing that comes around time and time again that you fight over and can never seem to get past.
In consciously evolving relationships, the stuck patterns get curiously and lovingly explored rather than repeatedly grappled with or endured and then ignored so that you can go on with the enjoyable and loving part of your relationship . . . (only to have it come back and take another little bite out of the sweetness you’ve been building later on).
I’ve been looking at the best ways to bring attention to these stuck patterns. For me, it is a relief to be able to identify a stuck pattern and to be able to go in and soften and open it up into something more elevated than my limited consciousness was able to produce. But for some people with wounding that tells them that they are not good enough, the pain of getting any sort of “correction,” request, refinement or upgrade is too intense to want to even recognize something could have been better. This is where denial and deflection come in.
When there is a stuck pattern and no curiosity about how to unstuck it, it’s probably not going to just unstick itself and the pattern will almost assuredly come back (and maybe even worse next time).
What I understand about subconscious patterns is that survival programs are algorithms created to always provide a predictable outcome. So, if you’re living in a painful survival program that is recreating poverty, you can put all sorts of variables in, like say even lots of money, and the programmed algorithm is still going to bring you to the predictable outcome of “poverty.”
This is what Einstein was talking about when he said that a problem cannot be solved from the same mentality that created it.
If you are inside of a survival program, trying to “solve” the problem/program/algorithm, the only solution or end result you’ll ever get to is the predictable outcome that is already pre-programmed to come through.
So, how do you BREAK out of living in the stuck algorithm?
I find it’s most helpful to open up the programming to Source (that which is greater than you that wishes you well). That may seem easier said than done, but there is a simple practice that makes it pretty fast and efficient . . .
CURIOSITY. “What is the BETTER pattern to run?” “What is a better outcome that is possible here?”
This approach prevents shaming and invites others to be a part of an evolution in engagement.
Now, how do we invite others to join us in the solution if they are stuck in their own wounded stories of not being good enough and can’t stand the idea that they were anything less than perfect to begin with?
This is what I was curious about. I had been triggered in a relationship. I found myself running an old wounded story pattern of not being worthy and then trying to look at everything that happened to gather evidence of why my story was true. Fortunately, I know this is a silly program and was able to recognize it pretty quickly (within the same day). I did some self-care practices (went to the dhyana self-care center in Sebastopol) and allowed myself to be curious about what the elevation to this pattern was. I just let my mind be open to it as I let go of the tension that had been activated in my body from the trigger.
What came in was this simple practice. Just three simple steps for shifting out of an old relationship pattern (which is basically two people’s wounding stories getting caught together in a reinforcing loop). Here they are . . .
- Compassionately Acknowledge the experience of the other person. Even if it is just recognizing and accepting that what they find to be lovely and acceptable is not the same for you.
EX: You make a date with someone you really care about and for you, being on time is a sign of respect and enthusiasm to be together. Your date shows up 20 minutes late and this doesn’t seem to be any big deal to them. In the past, you’ve interpreted this as a sign of disrespect and not really caring, which feels really shitty because it triggers your wounding around being valued. This time, however, you choose to let go of living out that story and you choose to be curious about the elevation. So you decide to wonder about what the best interpretation could be and compassionately look at the situation through the other person’s eyes. You may consider that it’s just a different understanding in their familiar culture and 7pm may mean to them sometime before 8pm. You may also be aware of any other context in that person’s life, such as having a long journey during rush hour. Whatever you can possibly do to create a compassionate and understanding spin on things, do it. “Give them the benefit of the doubt.”
You might say something like “I know you had a super long day and it was a bit of a trek to get out here. You must be ready for a little down time. I also realize that different people work with time differently. For some people, “7pm” means “any time before 8pm,” and for others, it means “anywhere between 7pm and 7:15.”
2. Curiously Explore what the other person’s experience is and ask them to let you share your own experience so that you can both get an understanding for the different ways in which you are approaching the situation. Mutual understanding with a good dose of compassion tends to elevate old patterns.
EX: You may ask your date how their day was, what challenges may have arisen. “How as your day?” “How was your journey to get here?” and then you can, taking into your heart what they have shared, share with them “I was so excited for our time together. A way of showing you respect is to be here and ready to engage right at 7:00pm or even earlier, so when you didn’t show up, I was wondering if maybe you weren’t as excited about our time together.” If you want to get some bonus points in vulnerability and transparency, you could add in “I acknowledge that one of my stories I’m working on elevating is my sense of worth. And this particular dynamic is triggering it for me.”
3. Make a Clear & Simple Request WITHOUT making references to what didn’t work in the past, or explaining or defending why you are making your request.
For extra credit points in graciousness, you could make the request an invitation to explore how to CO-CREATE a better future engagement. Because, honestly, you helped to create the reality you are in, and if you are only interested in correcting and critiquing externally, you’ll still find yourself stuck in your patterns, you’ll just be likely to have different supporting actors in your wounding story.
Curiosity is a Superpower and big time secret weapon for hacking out of painful subconscious programs.
EX: “I’m curious about how we can plan our next date so that we are both feeling respected and excited to be together.” “I’d love to know what would make our time together next time even more enjoyable for you.” Or “I’m curious to know what you would like to add in to our time together so that it’s even sweeter.”
This approach creates a sense of being on the same team, working towards the same goal.
It also helps the mind to let go of perseverating in the old algorithm. The mind is given some relief from going around and around in the painful circles and you are moving forward together.
Finish with some recognition of what you appreciate about your date (bonus points for generosity of spirit) and you’re got yourself a pretty masterful and elegant hack to the old and worn out algorithm.
Alright. Try it out. Let me know how it goes!
And if you would like some personal support in learning how to do this even more masterfully, we’re here for you. :: CLICK HERE :: to talk with me about how we can support you in breaking free from painful and stuck relationshit patterns and step into an elevated and previously unimaginably happy new reality.